There are a lot of things to think about in quarantine. I honestly don’t know how extroverts handle it. I am sure the challenge for them is its own beast. I cannot speak to their frustration, but for my fellow introverts, the abyss is our own minds. We edge ever so closely to the cliff with every question, wonder, analysis, what if, idea, etc. I feel especially near the depths today. You know that sense you get approaching an unrecoverable fall from a great height. It’s almost like you’ve convinced yourself you’ve already fallen off, legs forget they ought to be holding your weight, eyes cannot help but pull you over. The utter vastness enthralls you and sucks you in as a vacuum. The danger singing a lullaby. At the very last moment, the trance is broken. A wave of fear bordering awe rushes through every sinew of your being. Awe at how seemingly powerless you can be in your own body. Betrayed by your own mind.
How am I to understand being nonessential? The virus has called those deemed essential to put their very selves on the line. What about the rest of us? What would the essential workers have us do?
I float upon the ocean of lessons, insights, reminders, silver linings, joys, revelations, recommendations, awarenesses, redemptions, losses, challenges, realizations, and simply time granted in isolation, just waiting for the one to pull me under and crush me under its weight. However, if I close my eyes and listen closely to the quiet, I can hear the most intimate of whispers…
“You are essential to Me.”
I am free from the fear of drowning in guilt, from the paralysis of productivity, from the sloth of self-pity, from the madness of uncertainty. And only one question remains.
What is my essential work?