Transparen(me).

  1. I fear feedback from people because I fear it from the Lord. I fear Him telling me no to my plans and forget that what He has is better, though He has constantly shown me this and done it in my life- the whole shattering expectations in the best way bit.
  2. On the same wavelength, I fear Him taking away soccer because the foundation of my identity doesn’t seem like enough, my worth and value just as me, who He created me as, His daughter, doesn’t seem like enough. My performance-based mindset keeps me valuing ability and “what one does” or works over who one is, beloved of the Most High God. I have a hard time loving those I judge as “ordinary.” I cast them off or lean towards those who I deem more equipped or better in some way. You could say the “rich.” I do this to others because I do it to myself. Love others as you love yourself works in this twisted way as well. I can’t stand or have a hard time loving in others what I can’t stand or have a hard time loving about myself. I judge others how I judge myself. It’s sickening to write.
  3. The fear of intimacy is very much tied to identity being tethered to other things besides a child of God. The very nature of intimacy is being “naked and unashamed.” Take away all the talents, abilities, connections, and relationships and at the bare bones, what is left? Just Lauren. I haven’t really ever known how to be just Lauren or how to be loved as just Lauren or why anyone would desire to love and want just Lauren because I don’t look at anyone as just he or she myself, unattached from ability.
  4. I got very used to hiding in the shadows, and thus I am more comfortable there- keeping to myself and keeping my guard up. This is something I already know really but understanding more of the why and how it can and has robbed me of even greater joys. Not thinking I need anyone or need help, which trickles into my skepticism with prayer and the cliché, “I’ll pray for you.” Seemingly empty words to me most of the time, giving me a low view of prayer and its necessity and purpose. And the thing is again I have literally experienced the answering of prayers. Woe is me, I forget and then I doubt. So why would I need to talk to anyone else about this, why do I need them to pray about it for me? Many reasons. Talking out loud brings it into the light, asking for prayer and admitting my need and not being able to do things on my own is incredibly humbling and the Lord speaks through other people. Gosh, I really am a dummy. I don’t know much of anything.
  5. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what I want- like what’s real and what’s emotion or a whim. Wanting to go abroad or wanting to stay here. Wanting to play or wanting to hang up the boots and start coaching. How do I know what’s real and what’s not?
  6. If love is a choice, how do I choose?

Love,

Lauren

larry_saj6Author

"Surely man at his best is a mere breath." -King David I am a mere breath God has graciously gifted to be His daughter first, a daughter and sister, a friend, an athlete, a writer, a coach. I hope to be a full-time professional soccer player, write a book or two, be a lifelong learner, work for a sports and faith ministry, coach college soccer, have a family and maybe even pick up the guitar. My dad died when I was a sophomore in college. Writing became especially important to me after his death, helping me grieve and heal. I find writing letters to him has helped me process deep emotions and pain I didn't really know what to do with. My hope is the letters will share experiences that speak to and shine a light into the lives and stories of others in some way.

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